Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
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Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I support this random dude and all his protests
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.