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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.