Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Muppet Screams
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
mechanics be like
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner