[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
#SuperBowl
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…