Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
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Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.