If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
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Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.