Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.