[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie