[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Oh we’ve met.
🔦🌙👣
Holy shit he’s back
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?