If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
good for her
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
A small tragedy.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.