To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
You Might Also Like
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Mission: Impossible
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
just left a huge legacy in there
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.