when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
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When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Hmmmmm
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.