Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
the three branches of government