My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”