I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….