“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
who wants to go expliring
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds