Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
the three branches of government
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok