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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I want to meet the individual who made this
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice