SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden