My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
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me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I would move hell over six inches for you
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
How animals would run if they were human
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog