Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address