[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
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english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread