Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
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*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I bet birds love this building.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?