The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Monday Lisa
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
? 💀
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy