I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me when my alarm goes off
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go