“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.