Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
They’re stuck in your pants?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
shampoo implies shampee
Me driving through Toronto
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
A new level of troll.