Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.