ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan