“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine