“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Schrödinger’s cookie
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar