Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.