Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
incredible book dedication
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.