Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
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A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Worlds greatest photobomb
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?