No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
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A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Investing in beetcoin
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.