To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
got so much cardio in today
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad