*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?