KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
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To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
U talkin 2 me?