Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*