I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I support this random dude and all his protests
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.