Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
You Might Also Like
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️