I’m a bad influence on myself.
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Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Netflix: We have Less
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
she has a point
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two