4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
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*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
three things we don’t talk about
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.