Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
You Might Also Like
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Barbie gone wild
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”