If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
How I like cutting carbs
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.