And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I am HOWLING at this
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad