Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I want what they have
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Anyone want a chair?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos