DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Bike is short for Bichael.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE