customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
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I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Strange
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
TRAIN’S HERE
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.