buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.