LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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I love it all
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Follow me for more fitness tips.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?